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Maria’s Story: Finding Strength
Caring for someone with dementia can be emotionally and physically demanding, involving constant supervision, managing unpredictable behavior, and providing extensive personal care. It often leads to sleep deprivation, social isolation, and financial strain. However, it can also be rewarding, fostering deep connections and moments of joy amidst the challenges when you have the right support.
Here, Maria, 56, a full-time carer for her mum Esther, 91, who has frontal temporal lobe dementia, shares her story about how having support networks like Carers First is crucial when caring for someone.
Maria and Esther live together in Southend on Sea. Up until nine years ago, Esther was living independently in Australia. She returned to the UK as her health started to decline. "I temporarily moved in with Mum to help her settle but soon realised she needed more help." Now, nine years later, due to Esther’s dementia, she needs around-the-clock care.
It wasn’t until Maria saw Carers First's leaflet in her doctor’s surgery that she approached Carers First. At the time, she was considering placing Esther in residential care due to the stress of the situation affecting her mental health. “I was ready to walk away. I was so stressed and felt so guilty, but I couldn’t see any other option.”
“Mum doesn’t like many people coming into the house, so I provide most of her care. I cook all her meals since she can be very forgetful, help her choose her clothes for the day, and support her with showering. She also gets up often during the night to use the toilet, so my sleep is usually disturbed.
“Mum can become violent and aggressive. I can see it coming and know to take some space. It’s tough to deal with, but I’ve learned how to protect myself and stay out of her way when she’s aggressive.
“Carers First have been brilliant. They have helped me to access direct payments to help me pay for someone to come in and sit with Mum so I can go out for a drink or a meal with friends. Sometimes I go to a friend’s house and go to bed because I’m so tired. The direct payments have been a godsend – giving me the chance to do girly stuff and to just be me."
Recently, Maria has had some of her own health concerns and used up her monthly direct payment so she could attend her appointments. "I was called in for a day-stay appointment but I had no respite hours left. Emma from Carers First arranged for a carer to sit with Mum, which was a great relief."
After Lockdown Maria was asked to return to the office by her employer. As Esther’s care needs had increased, Maria felt she had no other option other than to give up work to care for Esther full-time. “Due to Mum’s respiratory conditions, she was extremely vulnerable during the pandemic, so I was unable to leave her and it was just the two of us for a year and a half. My relationship with my long-term partner also ended because all my time was being spent caring for Mum.
"Carers First have supported me in so many ways, from council tax reductions to applying for Attendance Allowance for Mum and Carers Allowance for me. They have been my lifeline. I honestly wouldn’t be able to care for Mum without their support.
"Whenever I have a problem, Carers First knows who to contact. They arranged for me to have a counsellor and set me up with a dementia navigator. I also now attend a weekly dance class, which I enjoy. Before I connected with Carers First, I was so stressed that I was having heart palpitations and was grinding my teeth, which led to needing dental work.
"The groups and dropins are fantastic, giving me something to look forward to, especially the free massages. I always come away with a smile and a feeling of relief. I can’t sing Emma’s praises enough. She goes above and beyond to ensure I feel supported. Carers First is amazing, I’d give them 100 out of 10. I tell everyone about Carers First."